It’s Pocky time

Over break, I’ve read so much about basketball that I’ve become unable to think about anything except the 1976 ABA-NBA Merger. Just kidding. Still thinking about food. On Friday, my friends and I made an hour and a half round trip to get dim sum. I quit dabbing several months ago, but it was dab-worthy. Before break, my friend, Qi Xu, who has the shortest full name at Yale, got me two boxes of Pocky from Durfee’s. I promised I’d review them, and I will NOT let her down!! I…

Honey Bunches of Straight Fuego

Honey Bunches of Oats has a lot in common with LeBron James. Their performances have been supreme for so long that people overlook them even while they’re averaging 28.9 points, 7.8 rebounds, and 8.6 assists per game. Oats and bunches can’t dribble a basketball, but if they could, they’d be robbed of the MVP award by Derrick Rose, too.   I am fairly sure Yale doesn’t have Honey Bunches of Oats, which is a shame, because it is the world’s greatest everyday cereal. I say everyday cereal because I am…

The loneliest wiener

I skewer a hot dog with a fork and raise it out of the boiling water. But I can’t leave this hot dog intact. We do not have the proper buns in the house. Tears well up in my eyes as I am forced to slice it in two, placing the two stumpy halves besides each other on a hamburger bun. When tragedy strikes, your true self comes out. I am a fighter. I will eat this hot dog on an improper bun. There are very few things more tragic…

Oatmeal is dope and your grandma knows it

Every morning, I get up, boil some water, and pour in two servings of rolled oats. While the oats cook, I cut up a banana and a few strawberries, and wait about 12 minutes. Then I put in the fruit. If you want the recipe, here it is: 1 cup oatmeal 2 cups water 1 banana 3-4 strawberries I also drink a cup of water. If you want the recipe, here it is: 1 cup water Oatmeal is good. It is like cereal, but warm and customizable. I guess everything…

Mumford & Sons isn’t the worst band of all-time

I didn’t know Mumford & Sons was the worst band of all time until Pitchfork told me that Mumford & Sons was the worst band of all time. Out of a possible 10 points, Sigh No More, the group’s first album, received a 2.1. Their third, Wilder Minds, got a 2.0. I am not sure why Pitchfork did not review the second album, but perhaps they were too busy lambasting Mac Miller, the fourth best Jewish rapper of all-time. I am not here to contend that Mumford and Sons is…

Truvia? More like FALSE-ia (ha ha ha)

     On Thursday, I moved from a house right near the Sacramento Zoo to a backyard garage-turned-loft. Before, I was living with a 60-year-old woman and her two cats. Now I’m with a four-person family and a dog.      The main difference between the arrangements is not the size of the house, location, nor choice and number of pets. It is that this house has sugar, and the other one did not.         When I arrived at the last house, everything seemed fine. I had a…

I love Chipotle

Last summer, when my boss said that Chipotle was gross, I immediately knew that I was not working at the right company. This summer, my boss has not yet expressed to me his opinions on Chipotle, which is a much better situation. It’s been nine days. When Chipotle had that big E. coli outbreak in 2015, it did not make me think twice about eating Chipotle. In fact, it just made me less concerned. After making everyone on Boston College’s football team sick, they’d probably be more careful about giving…

Cape Shark and Milkshakes

As most of you know, I am jacked out of my mind. If you don’t know this yet, check me out at Zeta Late-Night wearing cut-offs and cargo pants. But with large muscles come large responsibility. Unlike most people who only have to fear fear itself, I have to worry that my biceps will turn into flesh-consuming black holes capable of turning my body into a sinewy ball of distilled strength.   To avoid this, I make sure I consume plenty of protein. Most of this comes in the form…

Pop Tart Extravaganza

I didn’t grow up watching Disney TV shows or eating Pop Tarts, two of the most patriotic activities I can think of. I did go through a toaster strudel phase because I liked the power rush of deciding how I wanted to spread the frosting. If my brothers and I really fought to have Pop Tarts in our house, my parents probably would have bought some, but we never did. Matt, who’s seventeen, doesn’t like them. Troy, who’s still in middle school, says he likes them, but when you’re the…

The SlimCado

The avocado is nearly perfect—tasty, filling, and wholesome. Aside from removing the pit, nothing can be done to improve it. Sadly, we live in a world that shuns quiet excellence. We live in the world of the SlimCado. The SlimCado is a variation of avocado that solves all the problems the normal fruit doesn’t even have. First, it’s got half the fat of the original. If my doctor told me I was gaining weight because I was eating too many avocados, I would stop. Fortunately, that would never happen and…