There are three kinds of people in this world: whole milk kids, 2%-ers, and skim milk kids. There may also be 1%-ers but I think Bernie Sanders already got rid of them. I am a skim milk kid. My parents only ever bought skim milk and thus I lived most of my life drinking what 2%-ers and whole milk kids would call “water”. I didn’t drink much milk as a kid, but a couple of my really tall friends did. Maybe the lack of milk stunted my growth which took me off the NBA path and onto the symphony orchestra path.

I may never accomplish my dreams of being arguably the third best player on the Cavs

When I started running track and cross country in high school, I started drinking chocolate skim milk after workouts because apparently that is a good recovery drink. After grueling summer workouts, my teammates and I would go to a restaurant called George’s and they would make the best chocolate milk. For years, I wondered why I could not replicate this simple recipe at home. Answer: I was not putting enough chocolate syrup in.


When I got to college, I was amazed that I could choose between skim milk and two-percent milk at every meal of the day. What’s more, in Commons (biggest dining hall on campus), I could even choose whole milk. Even more unbelievable was the fact that not everyone I knew was raised on skim milk. Some people had parents that bought two-percent milk or even whole milk as the default family milk. These people were not nearly as excited as I was to have all of these different kinds of milks at their disposal. 2% milk is rich and creamy. It is tastier and thicker than skim milk. I can only manage to drink one cup of 2% milk per meal because I am easily overwhelmed by its strong utter-y flavor. Whole milk is practically a dessert and chocolate whole milk tastes like one of those type-2 diabetes triggering desserts at the Cheesecake Factory.

I’ve never been to the Cheesecake Factory 

Something I hear a lot from the non-skim milk crowd is that skim milk is not as healthy as other milks because it doesn’t have as much good fat. These people don’t understand that there are two nutrients that no one in the United States is deficient in: fat and vitamin C. Until I see someone dying of scurvy or struggling to find sources of dietary fat, I will not give the health edge to fattier milks.

Where’s the whole milk at, haters?

I think skim milk is the best milk for cereal. Milk is by undoubtedly the best medium for cereal and using anything else besides milk is sacrilegious. Skim milk enhances the cereal without getting in the way. Skim milk is like the ’95-’96 Bulls’ role players. They were experts at performing their duties and setting picks for Michael Jordan in the final seconds of a close game just as skim milk supports my Honey Bunches of Oats without overpowering the delicious bunches. You don’t need Kobe Bryant (whole milk) to get in the way when all you need is one dagger bucket to win the game. Likewise, you don’t need whole milk in your Reeses Puffs because your arteries will clog and you will die.

Steve Kerr made a career out of not being in Michael Jordan’s way.

Skim milk, to me, represents a culture of restraint. I COULD drink 2% milk which probably tastes a bit better but I will continue drinking my sometimes-refreshing skim milk. The minute I start indulging myself with 2% milk is the minute I give up my NBA dreams and open up a Netflix account. My future kids will likely suffer just as I suffered with a fridge stocked of low-fat milk, but they will thank me when they get to college and the options seem limitless.

Skim milk: 6.4/10

2% milk: 6.7/10

Whole milk: 6.6/10

Steve Kerr: 5 NBA championships

Kevin Love: 1 NBA championship


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3 Thoughts to “Milk”

  1. Nina Sweet

    Forgive your grandma’s great indulgence–2% Greek yogurt. But it tastes so good and at my age, what the hell–and it keeps my bones strong.

  2. Robin Meyers

    I’m a skin milk fan too!

  3. Sue McNerney

    Dying….I’m a skim milk mom, but I like soy or almond milk in my cereal. You need to try it.

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