If I had a dime for every time someone told me that it is kind of weird that I’ll go to people’s houses and eat an entire one of their avocados, I would have about fifty cents. I’m pretty sure it’s happened a few times. It’s not like I’ll break into people’s houses just to eat one of their avocados, but if you have a ripe avocado in your house and I know where you keep your silverware, watch out.

Little kid seated at table with a huge raw fish
Little kid holding a fork and a knife seated at a table with a huge raw fish in front of him isolated on white background 

Avocados were all the rage a few years ago. They were the newest superfood which basically translates to colorful fruit or vegetable that not a lot of white people know about. It turns out that unfortunately, avocados are not really a superfood, as I have eaten a lot of them and still have yet to earn even a bronze medal in the Olympics.


Although avocados have not granted me superpowers, they are still delicious and pretty healthy. They are basically big green blobs of fatty nutrients, so if you’re into fat and the color of cold, hard cash, avocados are probably the food for you.

Since people go berserk about avocados for some reason, many popular news sites have reminded us that although avocados are healthy, you shouldn’t eat too many of them or you will intake too many calorie and die of some obesity-related illness. Yes, avocados are 250 calories which according to the New York Times is a “high calorie count” but do you know anyone that has gotten fat from eating too many avocados? No. There are 190 calories in just ½ cup of Friendly’s SundaeXtreme Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup ice cream and a person who eats just ½ of a cup of ice cream is someone who has numerous other problems. Eating an entire avocado won’t make you fat just like sharing a Vox article won’t make you an activist.

Although I consider myself an expert when it comes to eating avocados, sometimes this happens.

Avocados taste great, fill me up, and function as a projectile in dire situations. I was always carry an avocado just in case a hitman is after me. As I throw the avocado at the assailants face, they are rendered temporarily disabled which gives me time to livestream the event to Facebook so someone can call the police.

Avocados: 8.8/10

For the growing contingent of my mom’s friends who read this and think that I am too young to know that avocados have been popular since the 1960s, here is a stat! In the 1990s, the average American ate about 1.5 pounds; in 2012, he ate 5 pounds*.




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