Raw Kombucha, Crafted by Nature

On the top row of Durfee’s refrigerated shelves sits a row of glass bottles with three different floral-colored kombucha drinks. The labels, which look like they were purchased in a thrift store for small, deeply tanned, spiritual women, overwhelm me to such a degree that I collapse, sending a rack of kettle-cooked potato chips crashing to the floor. After convincing several EMTs that I am okay, I purchase GT’s Enlightened Synergy Organic and Raw Kombucha Triology. Out of the three kombuchas, this is the only one with a rainbow on the label. I am sold.

Looks great!
Looks great!

The drink sits in my fridge for a few days. By the time I take it out, a layer of what I can only assume is dangerous fungus rests on the bottom of the glass. As I shake the drink to evenly distribute the goop, I notice the “do not shake” message on the label. “That’s stupid,” I think as I slowly open the drink, unleashing a fizzy explosion. I thought this was tea; why is this happening to me?

My computer won’t let me turn this computer because it doesn’t want me to reveal THE                                                      TRUTH!!

The label promises to “renew, rebalance, rebuild, reclaim, rekindle, and recharge,” and until I started drinking it, I felt somewhat hopeful. The ingredients: kombucha, raspberry juice, lemon juice, ginger juice, and (not kidding) “100% pure love!!!” What could possibly go wrong?

Answer: everything.

The drink tastes like just the wrong combination of vinegar, champagne, and unripe but somehow also spoiled fruit. As I took my first sip, the cherry-red liquid became a white froth which overtook my entire oral cavity, making me sad. All I had to show for my $5.25 purchase was the sour aftertaste of rank champagne.

These drinks look so colorful and delicious. If only they tasted the same way –                                                          #LIBERALMEDIALIES

I was only able to drink about 4 oz. of this 16.2 oz. drink over a four day period. I took one big swig just so I could describe the overwhelming frothy experience, but chose not to do it again. I tried to get my brother to try it, but he refused, saying, “it smells like something you don’t eat or drink.”

I am not against trying kombucha again because several people have told me they enjoyed it. But I won’t drink this again because it’s terrible. Worst of all, I can’t even get a five cent refund for the glass bottle it came in. GT’s Dave, founder of GT’S Kombucha, made me, a very nice man, drink this horrible drink. Apologize now!

GT’S Synergy Organic Kombucha TRILOGY: 2.3/10


(I used a meal swipe to purchase this. I didn’t actually spend “real” money.)

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One Thought to “Raw Kombucha, Crafted by Nature”

  1. Here4TheLaughs

    You know that Kambucha is actually made from a scobi, a type of fungus that ferments kind of like yeast.

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