Raw Kombucha, Crafted by Nature

On the top row of Durfee’s refrigerated shelves sits a row of glass bottles with three different floral-colored kombucha drinks. The labels, which look like they were purchased in a thrift store for small, deeply tanned, spiritual women, overwhelm me to such a degree that I collapse, sending a rack of kettle-cooked potato chips crashing to the floor. After convincing several EMTs that I am okay, I purchase GT’s Enlightened Synergy Organic and Raw Kombucha Triology. Out of the three kombuchas, this is the only one with a rainbow on the label. I am sold.

Looks great!
Looks great!

The drink sits in my fridge for a few days. By the time I take it out, a layer of what I can only assume is dangerous fungus rests on the bottom of the glass. As I shake the drink to evenly distribute the goop, I notice the “do not shake” message on the label. “That’s stupid,” I think as I slowly open the drink, unleashing a fizzy explosion. I thought this was tea; why is this happening to me?

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My computer won’t let me turn this computer because it doesn’t want me to reveal THE                                                      TRUTH!!

The label promises to “renew, rebalance, rebuild, reclaim, rekindle, and recharge,” and until I started drinking it, I felt somewhat hopeful. The ingredients: kombucha, raspberry juice, lemon juice, ginger juice, and (not kidding) “100% pure love!!!” What could possibly go wrong?

Answer: everything.

The drink tastes like just the wrong combination of vinegar, champagne, and unripe but somehow also spoiled fruit. As I took my first sip, the cherry-red liquid became a white froth which overtook my entire oral cavity, making me sad. All I had to show for my $5.25 purchase was the sour aftertaste of rank champagne.

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These drinks look so colorful and delicious. If only they tasted the same way –                                                          #LIBERALMEDIALIES

I was only able to drink about 4 oz. of this 16.2 oz. drink over a four day period. I took one big swig just so I could describe the overwhelming frothy experience, but chose not to do it again. I tried to get my brother to try it, but he refused, saying, “it smells like something you don’t eat or drink.”

I am not against trying kombucha again because several people have told me they enjoyed it. But I won’t drink this again because it’s terrible. Worst of all, I can’t even get a five cent refund for the glass bottle it came in. GT’s Dave, founder of GT’S Kombucha, made me, a very nice man, drink this horrible drink. Apologize now!

GT’S Synergy Organic Kombucha TRILOGY: 2.3/10

 

(I used a meal swipe to purchase this. I didn’t actually spend “real” money.)

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One Thought to “Raw Kombucha, Crafted by Nature”

  1. Here4TheLaughs

    You know that Kambucha is actually made from a scobi, a type of fungus that ferments kind of like yeast.

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