It’s Black Friday or as I like to call it, ALL LIVES Friday. Yesterday was great. I ate food, spent time with my family, and watched large, athletic men develop CTE before my very eyes. But Black Friday is great too. It is a time to give thanks for the plasma screen TV that I pried out of a crying child’s hands. It is also, for me, a time to reflect on every single food I ate on Thanksgiving.
Although it may seem strange to review all the foods my Aunt Erica lovingly made for my entire extended family, I have a duty to review everything I eat in a cold, objective fashion. Aunt Erica, I’m sorry, but your food is about to get thrashed.
No one wants a thanksgiving dinner of ALL meat and carbs. The Brussels sprouts were well-seasoned and baked perfectly. Great job, Aunt Erica! 10/10
Aunt Erica, you did it again! The stuffing was astonishingly good! Not too moist, but not too dry. Although I only eat stuffing once a year, I can always count on you to make it delicious! 10/10
In the sixth grade, I wrote an essay about how much I liked my grandma’s salad. It started out with something very similar to, “although you might think of Thanksgiving as a time for turkey and stuffing, my favorite Thanksgiving food is my grandma’s salad!” It was published in the New Yorker. If you want the full text, please call my mom and she’ll find it. You can also email David Remnick, editor of the New Yorker. After my grandma passed away, Aunt Erica has taken on the salad-making responsibility and she is doing a great job! What delicious dressing! My taste buds are smiling! 10/10
Uncle Dan, husband of Aunt Erica, took charge of the turkey. I was blown away! The dark and white meats were both rich and yummy! Paired with Aunt Erica’s gravy, it really hit the spot! 10/10
Aunt Alice stepped up and brought the cornbread. Oh golly, was it great! I’m not sure who thought that combining corn and bread would be appetizing, but Aunt Alice has taken corn bread to its culinary peak. BRAVO!!!! 10/10
I don’t like cranberry sauce. It has a strange globby texture and the acidity and sweetness clash in a really unpleasant way. I also am pretty sure it was from a can and nobody would be offended if I criticized it. Shame on you, Ocean Spray!!! 4.6/10