The SlimCado

The avocado is nearly perfect—tasty, filling, and wholesome. Aside from removing the pit, nothing can be done to improve it. Sadly, we live in a world that shuns quiet excellence. We live in the world of the SlimCado.

100% more likely to decrease your sense of self-worth.

The SlimCado is a variation of avocado that solves all the problems the normal fruit doesn’t even have. First, it’s got half the fat of the original. If my doctor told me I was gaining weight because I was eating too many avocados, I would stop. Fortunately, that would never happen and has never happened to anyone else either. Second, it’s about the size of a grapefruit as opposed to a tangerine. The phrase “bigger is not always better”, often used in male-dominated online forums, has never been more true. When you’re dealing with something terrible, less is more. In fact, nothing is more. The SlimCado would be much better if it didn’t exist.

Obama after eating a SlimCado.

Fixing what isn’t broken is one thing, but creating new problems is another. The SlimCado tastes like an unripe, slightly acidic, pulpy, diluted avocado. If those aren’t enough adjectives, here is one more: watery. Even if it tasted good, it would be a lot to eat in one sitting. After eating a few small slivers of avocado, I wrapped it and put it in the fridge where it quickly turned into brown mush. Brown mush is sometimes a good thing (chocolate pudding, brownie batter), but when a fruit turns brown in around one hour, something is wrong.

Handsome young man is holding avocado, standing against white background and smiling.

I feel bad for dissing the SlimCado because it’s just a different strain of avocado. I forgive God for putting this fruit on Earth, but I can never forgive the person who branded it as the SlimCado.

SlimCado®: 2.4/10

God’s overall fruit output: 8.1/10

Percent chance I knew avocado was a fruit and not a vegetable before writing this: 14%

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