Honey Bunches of Straight Fuego

Honey Bunches of Oats has a lot in common with LeBron James. Their performances have been supreme for so long that people overlook them even while they’re averaging 28.9 points, 7.8 rebounds, and 8.6 assists per game. Oats and bunches can’t dribble a basketball, but if they could, they’d be robbed of the MVP award by Derrick Rose, too.

 

LeBron is pretending that the ball is 2010-2011 Derrick Rose’s head

I am fairly sure Yale doesn’t have Honey Bunches of Oats, which is a shame, because it is the world’s greatest everyday cereal. I say everyday cereal because I am not sure if it is the best tasting cereal in the world (s/o Waffle Crisp), but it is the best cereal that you could eat every day without feeling ashamed (s/o Cap’n Crunch).

What is most incredible about Honey Bunches of Oats is even though the word honey is in the name, it is somehow not sticky. You can even eat it without a spoon while typing on a computer, which I am doing right now. Honey Nut Cheerios are pretty good, but if you eat them without a spoon, your fingers will end up glazed with honey and nuts. Reeses’ Puffs and Cinnamon Toast Crunch can coat your entire body in a layer of sugar powder. If you eat one of these cereals before going hiking, a bear will track you down and feast upon your hands.

Find someone as proud as you as these people are of this box of cereal.

Some people might think Honey Bunches of Oats is a boring cereal, and I understand, but I also hope that these people unfriend me on Facebook and move to Attu Island, the westernmost and largest island in the Near Islands group of the Aleutian Islands of Alaska, which became uninhabited in 2010. What other cereals have a jolly spokeswoman who wears a hairnet and works as a process operator in a Post factory? None. All the people who profess their love for Honey Bunches of Oats on its commercials are Post factory workers who come home smelling like cereal. The ads don’t have slow-mo cuts of models pouring milk into a bowl; they have shots of a 60-year-old mustached man in a white Post t-shirt audibly crunching on some bunches. This is the everyman’s cereal! The Yale Democratic Socialists would be proud.

Todd Smith is personally responsible for the quality of your breakfast.

The only real problem I have with Honey Bunches of Oats is that milk can mess up its perfected consistency hodgepodge. If you decide to pour milk on your Honey Bunches, you have to eat it in approximately 30 seconds. Otherwise, entropy kicks in and everything gets soggy and out of control. Just eat it without milk.

I am not as much of a fan of the other flavors of Honey Bunches of Oats. I especially don’t like the Strawberry Honey Bunches of Oats, because everything ends up tasting like sour, under-ripe strawberries. Plus, the dehydrated fruit melts in your mouth, which shouldn’t happen. The Almond Honey Bunches of Oats are pretty much identical to the normal ones, except everything is tainted with the discomforting taste of almonds.

My face when someone angry reacts this post on Facebook.

Overall, I have few complaints. It’s good, doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself, and isn’t sticky. It is truly the preeminent everyday cereal, and if you disagree with that, again, feel free to move to the Attu Island where it rains 197 times a year.

Honey Bunches of Oats: 8.1/10

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