Gatorade

Gatorade is the drink of champions. When people see me chugging an entire liter of Gatorade before I take an exam, they question my logic, but when I demolish the curve, forcing everyone else in the class to drop out, they’re silenced. If you are wondering how I handle days with multiple exams, all I can say is that I have tremendous bladder control and an unquenchable thirst for knowledge (and Gatorade).

Who even knows what “works 30% faster than water” even means.

Gatorade’s branding is incredibly good. It is so good, in fact, that extremely casual athletes drink it before and during exercise for some sort of performance boost, when really, they would be better off just drinking some water beforehand.

I don’t blame these people though. Clearly, all they are trying to do is win six NBA Championships while sweating Gatorade in the process.

The nice thing about Gatorade is that it tastes delicious but is also a “sports drink”. It’s hard to justify drinking a can of Coca-Cola because you know that it is just going to melt your digestive system, but with Gatorade, you don’t have to worry about that. Are you planning on walking 10 minutes today in pretty hot weather? You will need some Gatorade to offset the massive fluid loss you will experience. Are you going to play pickup soccer with some of your out of shape friends from high school? You will need a Gatorade so you can show them that you are an athletic specimen.

What’s great about Gatorade is that it not only tastes good, but also functions at its actual purpose. Athletes really do drink Gatorade. If you’re doing really vigorous activity, it helps to drink something with some electrolytes so that you do not cramp up and die. For example, if you are running an ultramarathon and decide you only want to drink water the whole time, you are going to shrivel up and get dragged off the course by paramedics. If you are just doing some mild exercise, you don’t need Gatorade, but honestly, no one cares. Gatorade is delicious.
Over the years I have tried all sorts of Gatorade: Red Gatorade, yellow Gatorade, light-blue Gatorade, Tiger Woods Gatorade, frosty-white Gatorade, orange Gatorade, purple Gatorade, G2 Gatorade, Gatorade Rain, and even Purple Gatorade. Besides G2, which is just watered down Gatorade, and purple Gatorade, which is gross, they’re all solid. I’ve never tried the Prime or Recover Gatorades, but that’s probably why I never broke 5-minutes in the mile back in high school.

According to Wikipedia, Gatorade is the official sports drink of the NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, MLS, and Indian Super League. If Gatorade is good enough for Indian Super League star Iain Hume, it is good enough for me.