I have a long history with Goldfish crackers. When I was a toddler, my parents tried to exploit my cuteness and love for Goldfish by entering me in some sort of “Cute kids eating Goldfish” contest. Unfortunately, I lost the contest, and despite not remembering this at all, it likely caused any self esteem issues I carry with me today.
Goldfish rank extremely high in my pantheon of snacks. They’re way better than pretzel sticks, triscuits, and wheat thins. They are far superior to Cheez Nips. I will even boldly state that they are better than Cheez Its, even though my friend Tyler would disagree.
Goldfish are so good that I struggled to build up the courage to write this review, fearing that nothing I did could possibly honor Pepperidge Farm’s greatest creation. The only other two things I am afraid to review are Thai Golden — my favorite Carmel restaurant — and Mallomars.
But I will go for it. As Brainyquote.com says Jean de la Bruyere once said, “Out of difficulties grow miracles.” You may be thinking to yourself, “Jacob, there is no way you actually think Jean de la Bruyere, whose 1692 death was due to apoplexy, would consider writing about Goldfish ‘difficult.’ And there is no way he would consider a review of them a ‘miracle,’ disregarding completely the fact that he passed away 266 years before Goldfish crackers were invented.”
If you think that, you probably think Cheez Nips are better than Cheez Its, which is a disgrace. And I don’t even like Cheez Its very much. Now that I think about it, just get off my website right now.
As all kids who brought lunch to school every day know, the key is in the snacks. Pretzels are okay. Those weird butter-coated pretzels are surprisingly worse than okay. Yogurt is pretty good, but definitely not exciting in the least, even when it is Yo-Crunch. Goldfish are the best.
They don’t melt, like ice cream, and they don’t require you to remember a spoon, like pudding.
One of the most exciting parts about Goldfish is there are so many ways to eat them. You can eat one at a time, like a grandma picking on some craisins, or you can shove like 20 in your mouth at once, turning them all into a big moist clump.
My favorite method, though, is to chew one at a time in the corners of my gums past my teeth. I have always eaten them like that, but some smart kid in high school once told me that is scientifically the best way to eat them because it slightly cuts your gums, shooting a stream of endorphins through your body. Although I have never bothered to confirm this, and refuse to do so right now, I will assume that humans have evolved for millions of years solely to optimize Goldfish enjoyment.
One strange thing about Goldfish is they never seem to fill you up. If you don’t have self control, you can probably eat them forever, eventually growing gills and becoming a fish yourself.
Once, during a high school music convention in Nashville, I met a girl who carried about two bags of Goldfish Crackers with her. She clarified that she did this all the time, which proved true throughout the festival. Luckily, she shared. She said her doctor was aware of her Goldfish consumption, and basically told her to not be surprised when her arteries became filled with baked cheddar cheese.
As many of my college suitemates could attest to, I often came back from breaks with one of those giant cardboard-milk-carton boxes of Goldfish, then ate Goldfish everyday for about a month straight while I did homework or watched Andy Samberg interviews, among other things. They are the ultimate comfort.
Goldfish taste exactly how I want a crunchy baked cheese snack to taste. The cheese is not overpowering, but you can tell that its presence is not a hoax. Each goldfish also has a face, which makes the experience more intimate.
A question I find myself often thinking about is, “If you could choose one food to have 0 calories, no negative health effects, and no capacity to make you full, what would it be?” Goldfish are up there for me. Sure, there are foods I experience more joy while eating (Pad Thai, sushi, chicken parm), but I can’t put them in a Ziploc bag and eat them while I wait for a traffic light to turn green. I mean, I could, but I would likely die.
And in case you have been waiting for this the whole time, I don’t like flavor blasted Goldfish as much as normal Goldfish. They taste more synthetic and the extra powder is overwhelming, especially the pizza flavor. Whose idea was it to BLAST something that was perfectly good in the first place? I do, however, like the colorful goldfish, and even the pretzel goldfish. The tiny goldfish are also excellent.
Goldfish: 8.5/10
