Another year of college has begun which means I will make many avoidable mistakes involving food. Instead of trying to avoid these mistakes, I will just let you know what mistakes I will make at different points throughout this year.
- Eat a Wenzel
Every time I eat a Wenzel, I am blown away by how underwhelming it is. For those of you who don’t know, the Wenzel is a buffalo chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomato sold at the notoriously greasy Alpha Delta Pizza. It is one of those cult classics that makes you never want to be a sheep and follow the crowd again. The main problem with the Wenzel is that the ratio between the chicken and the thick buffalo sauce is way off. The sandwich is infused with enough viscous orange sauce to slather your entire body in a slimy, orange film. The gooey sauce tilts the enjoyment to shame ratio of the Wenzel to a point of no return. In fact, I’ve never seen anyone eat a Wenzel before 10pm because it is something you would simply not eat in natural light where people can see you.
- Eat an entire meal consisting of only chicken tenders and various sauces.
Eating more than a pound of fowl in one sitting is an objective mistake, yet every two weeks, I find myself holding a plate half-filled with various sauces and half-filled with dead bird. Every other Thursday, Yale serves delicious breaded chicken tenders for lunch. This bimonthly meal causes great commotion across campus. The tenders are fantastic and usually served with around 3 or 4 different sauces, all less viscous and terrifying than Alpha Delta buffalo sauce. I will make this mistake not because I have no free will, but because I like to tally up how many total chickens I’ve devoured after I am finished eating.
- Eat Papa John’s Pizza
New Haven is known for its pizza yet all anyone ever eats is Papa John’s and Est Est Est. Papa John’s is where you go when you want something as cheap as possible and don’t mind eating spongy pizza with a thin layer of strangely saccharine red sauce. Est Est Est is where you go when you want a lot of decent pizza. If a shameless organization is hosting an event and promises that there will be pizza there, it’s probably going to be Papa John’s Pizza. And yes, I will still eat it. To me, Papa John’s is so bad that it doesn’t even fit in the same category as pizza. If you consider it outside of the pizza domain and more in the pizza pocket/roll/bagel domain, it’s not quite as bad, but there’s really no excuse for me to eat it and to do so feels shameful.
Wenzels: 4.9/10
Yale chicken tenders: 8.3/10
Est Est Est: 6.7/10
Papa John’s: 5.0/10 (when the 50% discount is taken into account)
Eat something bubbala!
Dad