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I went to see the movie Eighth Grade (by myself) at 12:10 p.m on Saturday. Although I’d normally buy some Sour Patch Kids, I was concerned that I’d miss the beginning of the movie, so I watched snack-less. Luckily, I had eaten some low-glycemic-index oatmeal in the morning, so I was not compelled to steal popcorn from the nearby old women.

After the movie, I was hungry enough so that life seemed bleak, so I went to Publix.

Publix is a supermarket that Floridians like a lot. I am not 100% sure why, though I’ve asked many people about it, and they are all frustrated by my mild skepticism. It is not just a grocery store to them; it is a SUPERmarket (ha ha ha).

One thing everyone mentions when attesting to Publix’ greatness is their “Pub Subs.” It never appealed to me much because the subs are no cheaper than freshly-prepared sandwiches made outside of a grocery store. My New York boi instincts tell me I shouldn’t spend nine dollars on a supermarket sandwich.

The one time I thought about ordering something, I was overwhelmed by the number of toppings and just made a bean salad at home.

Languishing in my post-Eighth-Grade hunger, I decided to see what all the hype was about. I ordered a massive chicken tender sandwich on a roll. The chicken tenders are also very hyped up, so I tried to kill two birds with one stone. Chickens are also birds, which makes the idiom even more clever.

With restaurants like Chipotle and Subway, there’s a learning curve. At Chipotle, a crew member gives you one second to decide between black and pinto beans. If you can’t make up your mind, they pull an alarm and you’re escorted out of the store. If they don’t have any mozzarella cheese left at Subway, you have to make a split-second decision on whether you want cheese, which can make or break the sandwich.

It was the same at Publix. The woman asked me if I wanted my tenders buffalo-style, leaving me stunned. I said yes even though I didn’t really want buffalo sauce, and she put my chopped tenders in a bag, poured in some sauce, and started shaking it all around. I watched with my mouth agape. Then she asked me if I wanted it toasted, which I also said yes to. Next, it was topping-choosing time. I picked jalapeños, lettuce, and tomatoes. I then told her that, on second thought, I didn’t actually want my sandwich toasted. She asked me if I wanted salt & pepper or olive oil & vinegar. I said yes to both, leaving me with a condiment-covered sandwich.

The sandwich was about a foot long and cost nine dollars. Publix has a seating area, so I sat there and planned to take notes as I ate. A woman who was in her 80s then sat across from me, and talked to me as her daughter bought her groceries. The woman’s husband died a few weeks ago, but she wasn’t upset, and it seemed like she never liked him anyway. She had five daughters. Some of them hate each other, which I thought was funny. She’s going to give them equal control of her condo when she dies just to see what happens.

The sandwich was pretty good. If you’ve ever had a Wenzel, it tasted like that, but less poisonous. Sometimes instead of making buffalo chicken taste good, people make it taste salty. This buffalo chicken was way less salty, even after I asked for them to salt the sandwich for no good reason. More vegetables would have been nice, but there are a lot of things that would be nice, and I should just count my blessings.

The sandwich was also much more filling than the Cold Cut Combo Subway sandwich. I ate it for both lunch and dinner, but then ended up eating Thai green curry at midnight. Suck it, my body.

In conclusion, the sandwich was pretty good, but it should have been good, because it cost $9.09, which is kind of a lot for a grocery-store sandwich.

Chicken Tender Pub Sub: 7.6/10

My understanding of why Publix is exceptional: 5.4/10