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After spending a few days in San Francisco and eating food that actively encouraged hypertension, I arrived at the Denver International Airport hoping to consume something that would have a net-neutral impact on my body. After a pretty demoralizing walk through the terminal A food court, I ended up at Quiznos.

Though there was a Quiznos in Carmel, I never went. Their ad campaigns centered around the fact that their sandwiches were toasted, but given that I grew up with a toaster in my house, the novelty wasn’t enough to lure me from Subway. Besides, Subway got their own toasters in 2004, calling the addition “one of the most significant new developments in the chain’s history,” (not kidding). Subway’s purchase of toasters blindsided Quiznos, which shrunk from 4,700 to 400 U.S. locations between 2007 and 2017.

The Denver Quiznos’ options included the limited-edition pit-smoked brisket. Unfortunately, you have to fill out a waiver and produce a copy of your health insurance before they allow you to order it. I got the Veggie Guacamole instead. It didn’t seem like a great option health-wise, but it didn’t seem like it would cause catastrophic arterial damage. There were lots of vegetables listed (onions, mushrooms, olives, cucumbers, peppers) and no crazy sauce.

The sandwich exited the toaster with a thick and unsettling layer of cheese. I glanced back at the menu and realized that both cheddar and provolone were listed. I’m all for cheese, but it was too much. It oozed down the sandwich, leaving no crevasse dairy-free. My friend Dennis, who is allergic to dairy, went into anaphylactic shock on my behalf despite being 20 hours away by car.

Impaired due to hunger, I had also misread “guacamole” as “avocado” and mentally subbed “whole-grain” for “wheat.” The guacamole was salty and the 12 inches of wheat bread spiked my blood sugar so quickly that I collapsed on a moving walkway and slid for forty feet. After waking up, I learned that the sandwich had 2450 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of saturated fat, and one gram of trans fat—which I thought was banned for the food supply.

Basically, the Veggie Guacamole is nacho toppings on bread. But unlike chips, the sandwich generates no satisfying crunch. I would eat it again, but only to be polite if a family member bought it as a misguided birthday present.

Quizno’s: 5.3/10