Thanksgiving Dinner, Reviewed

It’s Black Friday or as I like to call it, ALL LIVES Friday. Yesterday was great. I ate food, spent time with my family, and watched large, athletic men develop CTE before my very eyes. But Black Friday is great too. It is a time to give thanks for the plasma screen TV that I pried out of a crying child’s hands. It is also, for me, a time to reflect on every single food I ate on Thanksgiving. Although it may seem strange to review all the foods my…

Raw Kombucha, Crafted by Nature

On the top row of Durfee’s refrigerated shelves sits a row of glass bottles with three different floral-colored kombucha drinks. The labels, which look like they were purchased in a thrift store for small, deeply tanned, spiritual women, overwhelm me to such a degree that I collapse, sending a rack of kettle-cooked potato chips crashing to the floor. After convincing several EMTs that I am okay, I purchase GT’s Enlightened Synergy Organic and Raw Kombucha Triology. Out of the three kombuchas, this is the only one with a rainbow on…

Midnight Ramen

Although I am still angry at Anaya Sushi for terminating its all-you-can-eat sushi option, I’ve still ended up at Midnight Ramen, surrounded by drunk ramen-slurpers, two times this semester. Midnight Ramen is the restaurant’s attempt to tap into the drunk college student demographic. It is the place to be when it’s two in the morning and you’re craving mediocre Asian food. I am not the first person to review Anaya Sushi. The New York Times beat me to it. Their rating: Fair. Perhaps they were also mad about the lack…

A Sandwich Fit For a C-list King

Hello, everyone. It’s hard to write food reviews in college because every time I think about doing one, I imagine how stupid I’ll look if I post something here, and then forget to do something important. “Oh my god, Jacob had time to post about some stupid chicken sandwich but he didn’t even get through the entire deep-recursion problem for question nine on his first CS p-set.” Yes, I’m sorry. It was really hard. Anyway, I come to you with breaking news. The “Sweet and Spicy Chicken Sandwich with Harissa…

Avoidable Mistakes I Will Make This Year

Another year of college has begun which means I will make many avoidable mistakes involving food. Instead of trying to avoid these mistakes, I will just let you know what mistakes I will make at different points throughout this year. Eat a Wenzel Every time I eat a Wenzel, I am blown away by how underwhelming it is. For those of you who don’t know, the Wenzel is a buffalo chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomato sold at the notoriously greasy Alpha Delta Pizza. It is one of those cult…

Avocados

If I had a dime for every time someone told me that it is kind of weird that I’ll go to people’s houses and eat an entire one of their avocados, I would have about fifty cents. I’m pretty sure it’s happened a few times. It’s not like I’ll break into people’s houses just to eat one of their avocados, but if you have a ripe avocado in your house and I know where you keep your silverware, watch out. Avocados were all the rage a few years ago. They…

Gatorade

Gatorade is the drink of champions. When people see me chugging an entire liter of Gatorade before I take an exam, they question my logic, but when I demolish the curve, forcing everyone else in the class to drop out, they’re silenced. If you are wondering how I handle days with multiple exams, all I can say is that I have tremendous bladder control and an unquenchable thirst for knowledge (and Gatorade). Gatorade’s branding is incredibly good. It is so good, in fact, that extremely casual athletes drink it before…

Milk

There are three kinds of people in this world: whole milk kids, 2%-ers, and skim milk kids. There may also be 1%-ers but I think Bernie Sanders already got rid of them. I am a skim milk kid. My parents only ever bought skim milk and thus I lived most of my life drinking what 2%-ers and whole milk kids would call “water”. I didn’t drink much milk as a kid, but a couple of my really tall friends did. Maybe the lack of milk stunted my growth which took…

My Least Controversial Post Yet!

After the abuse I received after my last two posts about In N Out and pretzels, I have decided to review a restaurant that you probably haven’t been to before so you can’t possibly be angry at me. As far as restaurant themes go, hell doesn’t seem to be the best idea, but Torchy’s Tacos doesn’t care. The employees all wear t-shirts adorned with cartoon devils, the door handles are red pitchforks, and the walls are covered in fiery paraphernalia. Luckily, devils leave Jewish people alone and focus on the…

I’m Sorry, California

I would like to start this review by saying that if you’re from California, you should probably just stop reading here. If you say things like, “West coast best coast” or “Let me tell you about my startup,” you should stop reading here and continue training for your next triathlon. I don’t really like In N Out. This has been a tough realization for me because I really wanted to like it. When I went to California for the first time in the summer of 2014, there were only two…