One Whopper of a Burger King review ha ha ha

Last Saturday, I went to the Travers Stakes, which is a big horse race in Saratoga. I bet small amounts of money on outcomes that were very likely to happen, angering the people around me who preferred betting large amounts of money on things that were not going to happen, then getting mad when those things in fact did not happen.

In the end, I made a little more than $12, which covered the cost of getting in. I refused to eat anything at the racetrack, so they couldn’t make a profit off me. By the time the races were over, the capitalist system had been demolished and all the horses had scissor-kicked their breeders to death.

Dad, these aren’t my racing dreams. They’re YOURS.

Afterward, I went to Burger King, because I was starving. I got one Whopper Jr. for about two dollars.

My Whopper Jr. looked exactly like this.

Out of the Great Burger King/Wendy’s/Mcdonald’s Trifecta, Burger King is the one that has most resisted the 21st century. McDonald’s has ultra-efficient double-drive-thrus and a bougie cafe. Wendy’s has electric fireplaces and a shiny interior. Burger King just tosses a bunch of paper crowns on probably-sanitary-but-unclean-looking tables and calls it a day. There is one Burger King that I pass on the way home from New Haven, and it is impossible to tell whether or not it is open.

Burger King doesn’t attempt to imitate chains like In-N-Out and Chick-Fil-A, where the employees try to make you feel good about yourself. Every person in front of me in line asked the cashier “How are you?” before ordering. Every time, he essentially told them that he’d rather be caught in a bear trap than work at Burger King. When it was my turn, I said hi and started ordering so he didn’t have to explain how much he hated his life .

If you look closely, you can see one guy who was too ashamed to come inside.

Before I turned about eight, I judged fast food places mostly on their chicken nuggets and fries. I didn’t like McNuggets, so McDonald’s was out. Burger King had a ball pit, so it beat Wendy’s. There was also a Burger King right near my temple, so if my brothers and I did anything moderately worth rewarding, we might end up there. So I have a built-in fondness for Burger King.

Just this summer, I’ve been four times, which I am not proud of. I actually think Burger King tastes pretty good, but I will admit it is hard to feel like a king when you walk into a Miami BK, it is freezing cold, you are the only one there, and they hand you a burger overflowing with mayonnaise.

In my nightmares, the only beverage is strawberry orange Mello Yello.

That said, Burger King burgers taste less synthetic than McDonald’s Burgers. I like Big Macs, but I am not 100% sure they are meant to be eaten. The Whopper is definitely a burger; it is just messy. I know McDonald’s fries are a lot more popular than Burger King’s, but I see them as about equal. If anything, I think I prefer the Burger King’s fries because they taste grittier, which reminds me of my gritty suburban upbringing.

I like Burger King because it is true to itself. You shouldn’t eat fast food. Burger King knows this, so they pull out all the stops to make your dining experience as mediocre as possible. You are not there for the ambiance. You are there because you are hungry and lack willpower. Maybe that’s how fast food should be. Or maybe not.