Pretzels are the Mitt Romney of snacks. It’s not that they are the worst option, but they’re just boring and unable to win a presidential election. They don’t excite me like pita chips (with hummus) or kettle chips. Double-stuf Oreos excite me a little bit, but I don’t enjoy that my teeth always end up covered in black, gooey Oreo-tar.
In my house, pretzels are almost always available, and I’ve been exposed to the full spectrum of pretzel varieties. In case you are in a store that only sells pretzels and you are heading over to my surprise birthday party that starts in 5 minutes and still need to buy me a present, here is a list of my favorite pretzels shapes for your reference:
- Pretzel nuggets
- Crunchy sourdough pretzels
- Pretzel rods
- Those big soft pretzels you can buy at Mets games
- Pretzel sticks
- Mini-pretzels (normal pretzel shape)
- Mini-pretzels (waffle shape)
- Mini-pretzels (circular)
- Pretzels that have peanut butter or cheese in them
Out of all of these different types of pretzels, only the top two excite me. Pretzel nuggets are undeniably the best form of pretzel. As you should know, the best parts of pretzel rods are both ends. The part of the rod in between the two ends is okay, but serves mostly as a time buffer so you do not eat both ends too quickly. Sometimes, I dream about what would happen if pretzel rods lost the middle section and became pretzel nubs. But nuggets are even better than these imagined pretzel nubs. They are not only crunchier and more flavorful than any kind of pretzel, but bite-sized as well. Though crunchy sourdough pretzels are quite good, they are too big to fit comfortably in your mouth. Just ask former President George W. Bush who was nearly assassinated by one.
Although nugget pretzels are clearly the best pretzel variety, they are probably the least consumed out of the nine types I have included. Circular pretzels get to be in Chex Mix, pretzel sticks get put in little packages for school snacks, and those big soft pretzels are often dealt by homeless people out of a shopping cart next to a stadium. There are whole brands devoted to stuffing pretzels with random garbage fillings even though they are disgusting. Where are all the pretzel nuggets?
We must give pretzel nuggets more love. If your parents buy you pretzel sticks, you must gently remind them that their choice of pretzel is incorrect. If you go to a convenience store that only sells miniature pretzels, you must go up to the Bangladeshi store owner and explain in an extremely patronizing way that in America, we eat pretzel nuggets. Please do not actually do this, because it is extremely disrespectful. It may be better to just carry around small bags of pretzel nuggets to hand to the manager just so he knows what variety of pretzels to start buying.
- Pretzel nuggets – 9.1/10
- Crunchy sourdough pretzels – 8.7/10
- Pretzel rods-7.2/10
- Those big soft pretzels you can buy at Mets games – 7.0/10
- Pretzel sticks 6.4/10
- Mini-pretzels (normal pretzel shape) – 5.9/10
- Mini-pretzels (waffle shape) – 5.8/10
- Mini-pretzels (circular)-5.7/10
- Pretzels that have peanut butter or cheese in them – 0.2/10
Honey wheats rock