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I’ve been to the Harvard-Yale football game five times. It’s the best day of the year to watch two middling FCS teams duke it out in front of fans who lack a basic understanding of football’s rules.

My favorite year was when Yale beat Harvard in Cambridge, ending a nine-year losing streak and resulting in the removal of several students who were so excited that they got naked. The worst was when my parents drove to New Haven, got stuck in an hour-long traffic jam, and ended up wedged in a narrow stadium tunnel with about 200 intoxicated students. Though none were naked, my mom was traumatized.

This year, as a member of the Liberal Media, I was able to procure a press credential from the Yale Athletics department. I got to cut the line, enter for free, and hold a bag that was neither strapless and 6.5” by 4.5”, nor a gallon-sized clear Ziploc® bag. The privilege to carry a backpack when so many were denied that opportunity made me feel, for the first time in my life, like a valued member of American society. More importantly, the pass allowed me to answer a question that had weighed on me for years: what food and beverages does the Yale Athletics Department provide to members of the media?

Before you completely lose your marbles, I should warn you that the answer is very boring. But if you still need a break before reading the next sentence, in which I begin describing the options, consider watching this video of my favorite 800-meter race of all-time.

What a race. Anyway, for main dishes: a variety of cold pizzas, and tins of ziti and salad from Yorkside. For drinks: three cardboard containers of Blue State Coffee, a few cans of Diet and Regular Coke, and—arguably the highlight—20-ounce bottles of Dasani.

It was the same kind of food selection that I came to expect as a three-time participant of all-county band in middle school. Except there wasn’t a strict two-slice limit, and Mrs. Cabral wasn’t there to scold us when we were making too much noise and disgracing George Fischer Middle School.

Despite the lack of gastronomical inspiration, everything tasted good, mostly because I was very hungry and cold. I had arrived moments too late for the Yale Dining tailgate. As I got there, security was trying to get people to leave, which nobody wanted to do, because they were hungry and apathetic toward football.

The media-booth pizza was fine. So was the ziti. Also the salad. The Dasani water bottles were just over three ounces larger than the typical plastic water bottle, which made me a feel like a #HydrationKing.

I did wonder why Yale had hired three people whose only job was apparently to serve ample free food to a few dozen calm people. Instead of grabbing a slice of pizza, I had to request one from an old woman who was seated behind a counter. I didn’t want to her to work too hard, so I asked for a slice from one of the top boxes. She told me that I had pointed to chicken pizza, but that she would be happy to grab me a slice from any of the boxes, even if it wasn’t on top. I doubled-down on my choice, even though I probably would’ve preferred most other options. It was pizza, at least, so it was fine.

They also didn’t trust us to scoop our own ziti, or grab our own cookies from a plastic container. But they did allow us to grab our own drinks. I took two waters, and handed one to a friend. Then I got tackled by undercover cops, handcuffed, and thrown into a police car. Fifty other people were also arrested, but for different reasons.

Cold Yorkside pizza: 6.0/10

Cold Yorkside ziti: 6.0/10

Cold Yorkside salad: 6.0/10

Large Dasani water bottles: 7.0/10